Prayers

 

Please let him be worthy of me.

Please let me be meant for him.

Of course it would be incomprehensible to B as to why I'm upset that he's suddenly decided to fix up the house. To a man who has been apathetic to his wife and family for months it must seem overwhelmingly frustrating to be patching dents in the walls and painting fixtures under a glaring scrutiny and blaring silence. However, to me it is completely logical. This is a man who couldn't lift a finger to help out without some kind of threat or promise. Someone who put his hobbies above family more than once, who breaks promises, and ignores his duties as a father and spouse. The $100 he's using to by new pictures and paint came to him because he insisted on having an equal amount of "fun money" out of the tax return. A return largely used to catch up his bills and debts. A return earned 70% by me. My fun money that started the whole thing? I got my hair done. Something I'd put off for 4 months due to lack of funds. Not a cut, not a color, for 4 months. Mind you, his hair has been cut at a cost of $20 each month during that time. So now that I am leaving B has decided to pretty up the house with his portion of my "entertainment" money. Yeah, just a bit pissed.

My God I wish I was out of here so fucking badly!!!

Like big, like little...

Boo just wasn't right tonight and it wasn't until I started thinking about it that I noticed things. Putting the pieces together... He was 15 minutes later than usual getting home from basketball. He didn't want to eat, which is always strange for him. Two hours later he made himself a sandwich, breaking the "eat what we made" rule. He kept stopping in the middle of rooms and just staring, not moving. Took a long time to respond to questions. His eyes were slightly dilated. He was disrespectful all evening, and after being sent to bed early, he sat up watching TV in there instead. Of course, B was out. Texted him and told him all this, asked what he wanted me to do. He told me there was no problem, Boo watches TV late all the time.

My personal pissed offs? Unequal behavior - my kids have to have lights out within 30 minutes of bedtime, Boo doesn't. My kids eat what they're given or they go hungry - Boo doesn't. Austin started drugs at 11. I see strange, out of character behavior from Boo and get very concerned, B doesn't seem to give a shit. I texted and told him since he'd done such a great job with Austin (the smoking, drinking, sexual active, drug addict, truant) that he knew best and I'd stay out of it.

How does one stay out of the welfare of a child?

Dreams of para... para... paradise

Had a strange dream last night (love that by the way). B and I had a baby. It was born really early and I didn't remember it. Like, when I woke up (in the dream) I was out of it and he had to tell me about the baby, because I hadn't even known I was pregnant. I spent the rest of the dream trying to find the hospital where the baby was being cared for to see her. We talked about her name, trying to decide between Victoria Olexa after my great grandmother, and Hope Marie. B hated Victoria and we decided on Hope. And I remember telling him the Marie wasn't after Nickles, but because it sounded pretty. I never did find the baby.

Possible meanings? Too many to consider, though I already have. But surely hope was born weak and premature in this relationship.

Apathetic

Figured I should probably check in. Been feeling tired and generally apathetic the last couple days. i suppose that's better than depressed and angry... But not by much. New meds kicking in? Dunno. But that's why I'm keeping track.

Not much new at home. Aerrik's still gone, the other kids are still there. Even is still wetting the bed and Austin is using his PSP after lights out. Chris hasn't cleaned his room and Brendan is getting mouthy. Trying to work things out with Brian (I guess). I wrote a really nice apology card and left it on top of my socks where'd I'd find it. It was so sweet I almost cried. But now he keeps asking me how I liked it, which kind of demotes the value if he wants a pat on the head for doing it, don't you think?

I'm so ready for a week, but I have school tomorrow. And SO ready to see Aerrik! I'm looking forward to that.

Super quick

Cuz I'm super tired. Mood decent today, nothing spectacular. Didn't get the kids cuz of snow, which made me feel bad for sending them. I knew we'd get snowed out but I was selfish and wanted the weekend. True, I also thought Brian would need more recovery than he actually did. I hope they're home tomorrow.

I got annoyed because Brian is putting off dealing with Melissa sending the kids home late. I think he needs to stand by the agreements we made with her last fall but he can't be bothered. And I stepped out of being involved because no one listened to me anyway. Not sure how to handle that b ut didn't blow my top at least.

Victory!

It was a productive day in some ways, though I didn't do as much as I wanted. I skipped the P90X workout and opted to do 25 minutes of taebo in my own living room. Then I got the place cleaned up (Brian helped a little) to allow for getting the futon out today. The living room looks SO much bigger without Even's trucks in it! Picked up sock making supplies at Lambspun and get grocery shopping done. King Soopers was SO overwhelmingly busy and crowded I really felt like I'd survived some battle when I got out of there! Watched movies all evening (Halloween 3, Milk, and Zombie Diaries) and worked on a sock, and those guys came to get the futon.

How've I been feeling? In a good mood today for the most part, a little introspective. Before I went shopping I really didn't feel like it, and Brian wasn't coming because walking is still uncomfortable. But once I was out I really enjoyed the quiet and had a good time just directing myself through errands. There's something relaxing about knowing you don't need to do much when you get home. I got super tired around 5:00, not sure what that's all about since I slept til 8:30. Still up though and looks like it'll be 11 before my head hits the pillow. Better get to it!

Oh, not enough romance in your story? Write some in. Details forthcoming.

V Day

Brian got neutered today. Don't ask how I feel about that as it doesn't really matter. I made a deal and a deal is a deal. It is what it is and it's done now. The funny part came about trying to get in to have it done. The appointment was for 7:30 this morning and we arrived at 7:15 to find the office locked and the lights out. No big deal. So we'd been sitting there a couple minutes when the nurse comes around the corner wrapped up in a sweater. Turns out she had stepped outside for a minute and as the door closed behind her she realized she'd forgotten her keys inside! So apparently there's a co-worker who lives down the street so she ran down there but didn't remember which house was hers. That's when she saw us. We invited her into the warm car while she waited for someone to come. About 7:35 a receptionist showed up so the nurse hopped out to go inside. We decided after a few minutes to go as well but discovered the doors still locked! Did she really forget about us? As we're standing in the cold laughing incredulously, the doc rolls up about 10 minutes late. We explain the situation and he hops out of his truck carrying a plate with a half-eaten enchilada and lets us in the back door. Apparently the nurse told the receptionist to let us in and she didn't. We were amused ;o) I was there for an appointment later and apparently everyone was giving her a lot of shit for it.

So my appointment was to have my meds changed. I wanted to switch to a generic Lexapro but apparently there isn't one. Instead doc put me on generic Celexa. Years ago the name brand had me all muddle-headed, so we'll see how it does this time. I'm on 20mg to start and I check back in in 4 weeks. I thought I should keep track of my moods to see how it's working. So this is day 1, going from 10mg (20 in the last week) Lexapro to 20mg Celexa generic. Feeling generally annoyed with the world today but trying to be nice cuz I know Brian is in a little of discomfort. Still feeling sad and down.

I've come to the conclusion that I miss romance terribly. The dating scene and all that I guess. Holding hands and stolen kisses and butterflies and all. I spent a good part of last night remembering scenes with Delacroix, probably the most pure relationship I had that never amounted to anything. Wondering about if I had made different choices and all that. Not that I want him now, I don't know who he is now. But I do want him then, if that makes sense. Me then wouldn't be so bad either. But life is where it is right now and I need to figure out how to accept that and be okay with it. I need to decide if I'm going to stay where I am or have a do-over. Again. Really not sure. Things are mostly comfortable here but too comfortable or too annoying or too predictable or whatever. 

Not making much sense, guess I'll go to bed.

Done did it

Skipped my cardio last night but did a two mile WATP tonight so it's alright. Supposed to go to a P90X meet-up on Saturday but not sure if I'll chicken out... I really should go meet some new people and push myself.

Super busy at work today but I still got a math essay done and it's already back graded - pass! I have less to do than I thought, four more essays and two lessons. I thought it was twice as much, so that's nice!


After I wrote last time I went to bed and Brian came in while I was trying to fall asleep. Had a long talk but not sure what good it'll do. Talked about bipolar a little but how do you explain it to someone that doesn't know? He seems to think he can tell a bad day from a good day but it's not as simple as that, it's an inability to control if I'm happy or angry or whatever. I can put on a mask and act a bit, it's hard work but I do it, especially for the kids. But I don't feel like I should have to wear that for my husband. But I also don't think he can handle me without it.

He gets snipped tomorrow. So I guess if we work things out, no more kids for me. Not sure how I feel about that.

Saw pics of my big brother today on his Facebook, taken on deployment and in Singapore. Where'd his hair go?? So nice to see him smiling in a photo, though that doesn't really look like him...

Back to the point though...

Having come back to this blog after so long, I had some free time at work today and decided to read through all of it. I found some memories I'd forgotten, a few very precious which still hold the ability to make me all warm and fuzzy. I found a few not so good ones that are better left buried. I confused myself with code names of long forgotten never happened guys. And I realized that over the course of the last couple years (until I started writing) this became not so much a record of my life and times as of my love life and my over-dramatic heart. Not that that isn't entertainment - it certainly is. But I found that outside of the overwhelming emotions I also enjoyed the play by play of my life. So I'm gonna try to get back into that pointless day to day that I might hold so dear years from now as I stumble back here.

Today was the first day back to school after winter break so I had to figure out when to wake everybody up again. It's off without Aerrik here and I'll need to work on the timing. Regardless, I was very nearly on time for work. My days with filled with editing, filing, and a tiny bit of homework. Almost done with Catcher in the Rye, I should finish it tonight. Not sure why it's such an amazing classic... Maybe because of the narrator's intense emotions and the way he speaks to us like a real person? Holden thinks like I do most of the time.

I called Aerrik after work. He'd called me and I wanted to hear about his day so I called as soon as I started the car. We talked a good 45 minutes. It sounds like he had a good first day, he had algebra, world history, academic intervention, and I can't remember the last class (bad mom!). He got all his homework done, made a friend or two, and got hit on by a junior working at Alco! Russ and he went grocery shopping and only went a little over budget. He sounded like he missed me, but also like he was doing well. He asked what was going on done here, what were the guys doing, showed a lot of interest in us. I tried to tell him as much as I could but we're really just not that interesting...

Rice a roni for dinner and it was Austin's night out. He and Brian went shooting pool leaving me with the other 3. I got Brendan's new mini RC working and played a make believe game with Ev while I made some pigs. Also got the rats cleaned, cats scooped, plants watered, bills paid, and eggs boiled. Not a bad night. I started watching Friday the 13th 6 but turns out I'd already seen it. So I started watching part 7 but it turns out I have kids and couldn't get any peace ;o) Did you know Netflix has a 500 movie limit on your queue? I must get some of these watched so I can add more!

Well Brian is interrupting me as I try to type and I need to get to bed anyway. Signing off, maybe I'll be back soon. I suppose I should have a heart to heart with Bri but frankly my heart's not into it. Always looking for the hero, always wanting someone to fight for me. Trouble is he won't get around to it unless directed, and sometimes not even then.

Ah! Back agin taday are ye?

Feeling down lately, feeling like writing about it. Well, feeling like talking about it but don't feel that there's anyone to talk to really. I don't know how to put my thoughts into words to explain to someone else. At least here I can think it out as I go. Titanc said something to me Saturday that dug deep. I would have slugged him if my kids hadn't been there watching. If it wouldn't have been the wrong thing to do. Instead I clenched my teeth and told him I wouldn't argue in front of my boys, it wasn't appropriate. He said something along the lines of being sick of dealing with this bipolar shit, and which pole was he talking to right now. I'm so sorry my chemical imbalance is an inconvenience to you. I've been living with it for twenty years, so you don't need to explain it to me. After dinner he went upstairs, didn't come back down til 10 the next day, and I slept on the couch that night.

In his defense, I have been a pain lately. Been feeling angry alot, and depressed, and worthless, and underappreciated. Had a lot of down time lately. But in my defense Titanc is the king of not doing what he says he will, of putting things off. And then getting annoyed if I do them myself. And that day, for a few days really, he'd been snapping at my boys alot for stupid little stuff, just really getting on their cases, so my mama bear hackle was up. But some things you don't say, and he found the one.

It's left me wondering for real if I should end things. Haven't worn my ring since then, put it in his tie drawer for safe keeping. It seems to me that is he can't handle the BP, and it's only gonna get worse as I get older it'd be better to cut ties now. Better that he doesn't have the burden. Better that I take care of myself rather than walking on eggshells. I'd rather be me alone than someone else with somebody. 

He tried to talk once, but an apology followed by we should get you help isn't an apology, it's a solution. It just pissed me off more and I told him I wasn't in the frame of mind to discuss it. That was Sunday. He's been not talking to me as much as possible since then. And I'm lonely.

I'm going to switch to my generic RX so I can get on the dose I'm supposed to be, I halved it close to two years ago. Maybe that'll help, or at least numb things up a bit.

Add fuel to the fire, Aerrik moved up with Hooray on Sunday. Been crying every night since. Last night we'd gone out shopping and Chris stayed home. As we drove down Vine I saw the lights on and thought about my two kids waiting for me. But when we pulled up in front of the house I remember Aerrik wasn't there. Instant sad. As we walked up to the house I mentioned to Titanc that I just remember Aerrik wasn't there waiting for me. And he said, well he is waiting for you, it'll just be a couple weeks. Insensitive prick. I would've preferred an arm around my shoulder. So very alone...

Just wondering...

If I called your name, would you fly here on winged feet?

Still here!

Yes yes yes, it's been forever, blah blah blah. Now that I have Internet again maybe I'll get back to writing here semi often. But not tonight. Tonight I'm going to bed cuz it's late and I'm tired and my tummy hurts. So there. Nyah.

First dates rock...

Aren't first dates really cool things? Well, they can be. I know I've had
some pretty crappy ones. Probably more crappy ones than decent ones… But
whatever. The benefit of ending a really bad relationship (besides losing
180 pounds of useless flesh) is the opportunity to discover new people and
relationships that you didn't even know existed. Aw yes, enter the blessed
world of Craig's List. Home of many, many slugs seeking the one-nighter.
Or possibly just some grown-up talk while they plug away at their
financial advisor or teacher positions (freaky, huh?). I'm sure there are
probably a couple decent human beings wandering around too. I'm fairly
positive of it, since I have met a couple nice guys and remained friends
with one or two. So this was the forum to which I went, drawn partially by
loneliness but mostly but boredom at work. The IT guys must like it too or
they would have blocked it by now ;o)
I've chatted (e-mailed) with several interesting prospects this time
around, 2 that have materialized into real people (well, one only by
phone, but he's been nice to talk to). The subject of tonight's musing is
Mountain Man (M), single father to an adorable 4yo boy (A), who resides,
appropriately, in the mountains. Not too far into them though, and he
works in the Metro so there are possibilities. We hadn't been e-mailing
that long (just Friday I think) and I did get brave and gave him my
number, cuz he seemed so darn nice. We texted all evening until the
presidential debate started, then began again as soon as it ended. This
led to a phone call, because one cannot text commentary without becoming
bored. The phone call led to nearly 3 hours of chatting – much talking and
much listening to him play with his son. I admit, I was charmed. Seeing as
he's on my way up the hill each Sunday, I was invited for coffee in his
neck of the woods, which I accepted. But plans do change.
Nickels was in town last night, and I was still trying to find a hot date
for the evening. I'd texted with M off and on all day, and I'd begun to
teasingly ask if he and A wanted to come down for dinner at Casa Bonita (I
am the only adult in Colorado that loves Casa Bonita). Well I didn't hear
back for a bit and when I finally texted to ask if he was still thinking,
he called to say he was bathing and dressing A! Guess that was a yes but
he could've told me ;o) So Nickels and I met up with them by the big pink
fountain. Initial impressions: not quite as cute as his pic but not bad
either and he did seem like an awful nice guy. A was just TOO cute, the
kind of kid any mother wants to scoop up and hug. I guess I was
appropriately shy at the beginning, playing with A and chatting with
Nickels more than M, but it was still relaxed and I was enjoying myself.
When we were done eating I took them on the traditional tour of the place,
but I mostly let A lead, just prompting him when I knew he was
back-tracking, and he seemed to have a great time. M and Nickels just
followed along, and I'm pretty sure I could feel his eyes on my back and I
hid myself in playing with the child, it felt safer. Mind you, we did keep
chatting, and nothing was different than the phone calls. Conversation
came very easy and I never felt uncomfortable, and if I started feeling
shy I'd fall back on Nickels or A. Eventually of course we came to the
Cave, and I was worried A might be too scared to go through. But M assured
me that he wasn't scared of much and off we went. True enough, he loved
it. In fact, I think we spend a good hour going through. It's interesting,
the connections one can make in the dark. A cautious brush past as a
monster jumps out, or bumping hands as you turn a corner. After a dozen
turns through or so it was me behind A and M behind me, now and then
running a hand down my arm or resting his fingers on my shoulders, and I
got those warm tingles that I don't get so much anymore with the touch of
a man. Who was the last guy to make that happen… I really can't remember
despite dating several over the last few years. There was just something
about his warm, gentle, tentative touch… I'd always half-heartedly
fantasized about a first kiss in the Cave, all those dates I've dragged
there and it had never happened. But this time it did. Simple, quick,
gentle, nothing amazing, as A ran ahead and no one was coming. A few
times, as we made our way through over and over. And I'm proud of myself
because I don't think I was overly inviting, and I definitely wasn't
encouraging of more, and nothing more was attempted. I do remember the
last time though, A had run ahead to kill the hippopotamus (inside joke)
and M looked me in the eyes and used both hands to brush back my hair,
putting his hands on my cheeks as he moved in. Well, you get the idea. Of
course A came right back around the corner, victorious. And I exited the
cave, tingly and grinning.
There were more texts that evening, more texts this morning. After some
mild confusion over whether I still wanted to get together on my way
through, we made plans for that. I remember being nervous going to his
house, certainly something I shouldn't be doing and I know better. But
Nickels knew where I was going and I'd made it perfectly clear that he
should not attempt to lay a hand on me. Still, I was nervous, what would
we talk about? What would we do? Would it feel weird and uncomfortable?
And A wouldn't be there, he had gone to his mother's house. Simply put
though, we had a very nice visit. He made me something to eat and just
talked for about 30 minutes. It was comfortable and relaxed and I wish I
could've stayed longer. A quick hug and a peck out on the porch, initiated
by me, and he was a total gentleman the whole time. More texting of
course, and I'll be visiting again next weekend, but hopefully I'll see
him sooner. After all, his work isn't so far from mine, maybe we can grab
lunch between now and then.
Regardless of a lovely weekend, I have no intention of jumping into
anything serious very quickly. There's still this other nice man I'd like
to meet up with, and a couple others I'm talking to. But I did have a very
enjoyable weekend, and at the very least I've made a very good friend.

The Benefits of Being Late for Work

((I know it's long, just shut up and read it))

I’ve never been so happy to be late for work before in my life. It was snowy and icy Wednesday morning and because of that I was running behind, regardless of the toll road. As usual I was listening to Alice on my way in and I’d heard the 7:15 edition of “Know Your Morning Show”, where the poor lady did not win Matchbox Twenty tickets. It was just a little after 8 when they began to announce the contest again, and I was almost to the office. I hit my speed dial and was mildly excited when it started ringing, but the real shock hit me when Mikey picked up and asked “Hi who’s this?” instead of telling me what caller I was. It took me a moment to remember who I was and where I was from, and my heart quickly felt nice and cozy in my throat. Pulling into the parking lot I stopped my car and waited to embarrass myself on live radio (again). But the strangest and most wonderful thing happened (as often happens to me in Alice contests), I won! I admit to screaming into the phone and professing that I was dying, but the DJs didn’t seem to mind. I’ll even admit to screaming louder once I was off the phone. When I finally made my way to my building and into the elevator, my hands were shaking, I could hardly breathe, and I certainly couldn’t hold still. Finally unable to hold it in any longer I announced to my other passengers, “I just won Matchbox Twenty tickets and backstage passes!” No one looked the slightest bit interested. But I’m sure someone was jealous…

Please note the following is not necessarily in chronological order. Having made it safely to my desk, the logistics of this endeavor began to hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only did I have to find someone to go with me, but I needed someone to watch the kids and I still had to find out from promotions what time all this was going down. Of course I called Dragon first. She had heard me on air and was incredibly excited, but she didn’t know when her boyfriend would get home to watch her daughter. After learning the meet and greet was to be at 4:30, she became a definite no. I strongly considered taking Aerrik, though now in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t. We would have had a good time, but I needed this night. Anyway, I was leery of taking him since he’s so behind in school work and the decision was really made for me by the child care issue. To my surprise, my dad was also going to the concert! He’d never heard of Matchbox Twenty but his wife is a fan so he got them tickets. Dragon couldn’t watch Even because we were sure he wouldn’t like being around her dog. That left Kiki, so once again I called and told her I’d won tickets and I needed a sitter. “You’re taking me, right?” The story I would tell the rest of the evening is that I was blackmailed. Kiki wouldn’t watch Even unless I took her to the concert. She no go, I no go. Not completely true, since she was on my short list of people to invite, but it made for a good story. The plan became for Aerrik and Chris to tough it out by themselves and Kiki’s husband would watch Even overnight while she drooled over Rob Thomas and I caught her if she fainted. Aerrik was thrilled to hear they’d be putting themselves to bed and has told me I need to go out more often.

Fast forward to find Kiki and I right on time but circling the Broomfield Event Center trying to find the right place to park. Most of the roads are closed off for construction or VIPs, and the parking garage has all its entrances blocked by cones. Giving up, we move a couple cones and park in the garage (but shhh, don’t tell). We hurried to the Alice tent, met the other winners and gathered our tickets. Cast of characters: winners include pink shirt & white shirt, mama fan & teen fan, and Heidi and friend who were almost late; we also have Tim (Alice event staff I guess, and built like a truck) and promo girl whose name is Merrick (which for the sake of argument I shall spell like Anne Rice does, undoubtedly wrong in this instance). Shortly after 4:30 we’re gathered up and informed we will be known as Group 1. We must remember we’re Group 1 and we must always follow Tim and do what he tells us. We’re down with that. There are 5 groups total and we were led to a corner on the first floor. We were given directions which probably no one heard because everyone was starting to drool (except the couple guys in the other groups). When the band came out (oooo aah! - wait, they’re short?) each group stood close together for a tight shot of all of use with the guys. We were 4th in line for this and I definitely saw some swooning when Rob (Thomas, that is) pushed his way to the middle of our gang and put his arms around a woman on either side. The other three band members stood on the other end by me and Paul commented he liked me ink (go me!). Picture was taken (three actually, people kept walking in front of us) and Kiki breaks off from the pack and gives Rob a big hug. I nonchalantly dragged her away and thinking about it now I’m surprised his security didn’t holler at her for it. We all then formed a single-file circle (if that makes any sense) and got our autograph equipment out. We were each allowed one autograph and were provided with a band pic if we didn’t bring anything, which is what I got. Pink & white shirt were next to me and Kiki and we all gabbed in between schmoozing. Kyle was the first to come to us. With his skinny chicken legs in oh-so-tight jeans, he’s a good looking guy who bears a striking resemblance to Nickle’s ex-husband in person, and her current husband on his photo. How messed up is that??? But he was really nice with a big smile and a firm hand shake, and when I said I was glad the band was back together (trying to make conversation) he started talking about their new producer and his style etc etc and looking at me and Kiki apparently expecting us to make some intelligent reply. Now, I’m a Matchbox Twenty fan but I don’t know this guy from Adam. Regardless, I was still a little star struck to be talking to a REAL member of Matchbox Twenty and hell if I could think of anything! So I smiled and nodded and he went on his way. ((Autograph sig: JR, thanks!)) Rob was the next to come our way, looking OH say handsome in a long coat w/ dark blue scarf. I got my hug in and Kiki mauled him again (but just a little) and I put an arm around her just in case ;o) I told him my 11yo had written him a note and asked me to give it to him, and he did take it, but his body guard was there in two seconds flat and I laughed at him, joking about writing threatening letters to Rob Thomas. Aerrik’s note said “Dear Rob I love your song lets see how far weev come” and he signed it and put his e-mail address. Rob told me to thank him and said he liked his name, and of course later that letter ended up in his body guard’s pocket but who cares, he got it. Rob joked that my husband had probably written the note and I grinned and told him I was single. He called me fresh ;o) We chatted for a while, Rob said his favorite place to perform aside from Red Rocks was a place in Washington State, it was either the Canyon or the Gorge, I can’t remember now. He said the best show is one where the audience is really on their feet and getting in to it. I told him I had a kind of rude question, and I asked him if Jewel was nice, explaining I was a fan and I’d seen them on tour together. He said “Some of the time, but Alanis Morrisette is nicer.” Kiki says”Oh, is she here?” Keep in mind I won tickets that morning, I had no idea who else was touring and I am a HUGE Alanis fan. Rob says, “Yeah, she’s opening for us.” And I went just a bit goofy and said “Oh my God, Alanis Morrisette!!!!!” Rob just kind laughed at me ;o) Kiki snatched another hug and I think she would’ve followed him down the row if not for security. ((Autograph sig: JR - you’re fresh!)) Paul was next to come up to us and he was super super nice. We chatted for quite a while about kids and traveling and such, and he seemed very down to earth and a proud daddy (Mathilda turned 3 in December, doesn’t like ballet because she can’t teach the class and he wants her to learn the piano). Paul used to be the drummer, now plays guitar, and also plays the violin. He called Rob a space hog for signing of top of his picture so he ended up writing “space hog” and drawing an arrow to Rob on Kiki’s photo haha ((Autograph sig: JR Hello)) Our last guy was Brian, but he said everyone calls him Pookie. I’m fairly sure he was drunk. He was slurring and not making a ton of sense, but he was a real trip to talk to! ((Autograph sig: JR - Me Pookie à ))

Once the guys were gone (sigh) our group was gathered and our ticket stubs were removed. We were led upstairs to one of the lounges where we’d be hanging out until show time (it was nearly 5:30). Everyone started making cell phone calls or running to the restroom, and then we all got settled in for dinner. There was a cash bar ($7.50 for a mohito??) and a buffet spread. There were many comments that the food looked way too fancy, since we were just humble Alice listeners. A server did bring in a big tray of fresh fruit but as soon as she set it down she realized she was in the wrong room and carried it back out again. Tease. Okay, so let’s run down the line. There were these funky looking mini taco salad things that turned out to be a parmesan shell with a variety of veggies diced in it. I didn’t try this, I avoid vegetables if possible. There was bruschetta with little mozzarella balls that had a bad habit of rolling away while you tried to eat them. Sliced French bread, not bad. Golden-colored fried white meat of some kidn that we guessed was fish or chicken, and I did brave a piece of this. It was chicken, and EXCELLENT too, I got seconds. White shirt and I discussed some red meat on skewers. “Is this lamb? It’s on a stick,” she said. I think I missed a joke but I told her I thought it was beef. There was a server standing there so I asked him if it was sheep or cow. “Yak,” he said without missing a beat. And thus the great yak joke began and didn’t end until, well, probably never. Incidentally, Tim missed this banter and seriously thought it WAS yak for quite a while until he finally couldn’t take it any more and went to find it. It was sirloin tips ;o) There was also some kind of white soupy saucy stuff that I didn’t see anyone touch though I did try a taste. Bleck. And so, we all had a very nice dinner though to our INCREDIBLE disappointment (mine more than most) our beloved morning show never showed up. Merrick said it was a school night for them, but she thought party boy Mikey would’ve showed up. We visited and had a good time until finally someone mentioned it was 6:40 and we all gathered our things to go find our seats!

Our seats turned out to be two sections away from where we came down in the elevator (side note - Kiki banged on the elevator door impatiently and when it did open there were 6 people in it hahaha) but do to the “backstage” area they had closed off, we ended up having to walk around the entire complex to get there. We were in 108 which turned out to be directly stage right. We were row 11, so about half-way up the section. I was complaining about these “side seats”, but they turned out to be very good because the artists used the sides a lot and we were really pretty close. White & pink shirt ended up a row in front of us and a few seats down and teen fan and her aunt were next to us. Her mom had bought floor tickets before she won so she’d given them to family, then traded when she saw her paid for seats were better than the freebies. Heidi had ended up with floor tickets, so who knows where she was! I’m not even going to go in to the belligerent drunk woman that was sitting behind us. Let’s simply say she was toasted before the concert started, there were some words exchanged (hers, not mine) and her whole family ended up leaving (with her) a little while into Matchbox Twenty when she unbuttoned her pants and fell asleep. I talked to Dad’s wife on the phone and managed to spot them down on the floor, though I never could during the show. The opening act was a group called Mute Mouth that Rob had told us we would like. Their music was okay, but the highlight was definitely the side show (as I called it) when the lead singer started doing hand stands on his keyboard and such. There was a break while Alanis’ crew set up and I took the opportunity to check on the boys again (I’d been doing it every now and then all evening). When Alanis came on I was on the edge of my seat. What an amazing voice! I love her CDs, she sounds better in person! Plus she was very energetic, moving around a lot and having a great time. The energy was tangible and she put on a fantastic show. Her tribute to Furgy while wrapped in a pink feather boa and singing her own version of My Hump was hilarious! At the end of her last song she started spinning and I swear she must’ve gone on for a minute or two (I was getting dizzy!) and she walked straight back to her mic with no problem, it was just really fun to watch. There was another break after that so I made one last call to the boys and told them goodnight and Kiki and I went to meet up with some friends of hers that were there too. Part of the fun of wandering around was carrying our autographed pictures, we got SO many curious/jealous looks and showed off to a few people. Matchbox Twenty went on stage just after 9:00 and the whole place was on its feet! I stayed on mine for their entire set, which I’m regretting today haha It’s hard to describe a rock concert to someone that wasn’t there. The vocals were awesome, the crowd was into it, the energy was high. It was an AWESOME show. Rob played the crowd well, as did Kyle. Paul and Pookie were mostly doing their thing but they sounded great too. I don’t remember what song it was, but Rob asked the audience to all hold up our cell phones to make “stars” for him. It was really cool watching all those shining lights waving around the auditorium! At 10:30 they went off stage and of course came back on a couple minutes later, Pookie with a lit cigarette in his mouth haha, and they did another 30 minutes worth of tunes. It was a fantastic show and honestly just what I needed with my crazy life right now. I feel so incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity to be there, and I’m glad I could take Kiki because she had a fabulous time too.

I’d like to shout out to some people I noticed during the concert. To the little boy in the front row who was head banging his heart out, rock on! To the blond in the awesome jeans and using your light-up rose as a microphone, you’re a rock star! To the older couple who sat in front of me, I’m sorry I screamed so loud… To the gentleman on the floor, 6^th row, bald head and long beard, you know how to have fun! To the girl who let me pet her ears, yes, I guess I am a little weird… And to the half a dozen Barbie dolls in the front row who got oh so excited when Rob Thomas touched your outstretched fingers? I had his body pressed against me ;o)

ps~ There are so many little stories I could tell about last night, but for now those will be relegated to the files of my own memory. It was an amazing experience, a fun time, and great therapy. Thanks to everyone that made it happen!

Why Fast Food is Bad for You

So as I left work for the day at noon (I love half days) I decided that I had worked my little tail off and I wanted, nay, NEEDED, a milkshake. Chick-Fil-A being oh so conveniently located, I ignored the voices of reason that said I had a big butt and a small bank account and cruised over to get some chicken. I had just pulled up to place my order when I heard an odd hissing noise. Strange, maybe the speaker isn't working right... But no, I placed my order successfully and pulled up. The noise continued, and I thought perhaps a water line? and looked around for a sprinkler or hose. Nope... A horrifying thought hit me, what if my power steering whatever thingy-ma-bob had blown up? Then as I continued to pull forward one car space at a time, it became very apparent to me that the hissing sound was the air in my tire, I could here the blowing increase when I drove on top of whatever was in my wheel. ARGH! Once my food had been retrieved, I pulled into a parking spot to inspect this new spot on my day. I kid you not, the cause of the hissing was a 3/4" bolt stuck into my tire. DAMMIT! My mind screamed tire store - ask and ye shall receive! The clouds parted, beams of light shown down and angels descended to guide my path.... Or I looked to the right and discovered a Big-O-Tire next door to the Chick-Fil-A. Yay me! I cruised my way over there trying to ignore the lovely hissing noise and now the gentle pull of a quickly flattening tire.
Have found a parking space right up front, I went in and waited to be attended. (I'd like to just note that my food and milkshake sat almost forgotten in the car at this point) A gentleman (ya right) came out and asked me what I needed, so I explained I had something in my tire and needed it fixed. He told me it'd be an hour or so and as I had nothing better to do, I handed him my keys and went outside for my shake. Sitting there I called the one person I call whenever my life reaches minor crisis stage, my daddy. It was his advice that I have the tire changed then wander over to Discount Tire since I didn't know if I still had warranty coverage. I nearly always listen to my daddy (no, really!) so I went back in to retrieve my keys. "Hey, I think I might still have a warranty on these tires so I'm going to take it where I got them. Can I get my keys from you?" "Sure, no problem." "Can I get someone to change the tire real quick?" "Sure, but it'll be an hour." "Seriously? It takes you guys a couple minutes..." "Yeah, but you've got all these people ahead of you." "All right, whatever, I'll do it myself." And out I went in a huff, but not before scanning the by-standers in the small shop who couldn't have helped but hear this exchange. Three ladies and a guy trying real hard to avoid my gaze. But on the way out was a guy by the door who had just come in. "Wanna make a quick $20?" I grinned at him. He laughed and said no thanks, I grinned and shrugged and headed out.
I opened my front door, tossed in my purse, then popped my hatch. I located the jack pretty easily and had gotten as far as removing it when that guy who'd been by the door came out. "Are you seriously gonna change it yourself?" "Yep, I can't drive it like this, and I don't want to wait an hour when I can do it myself." "Aw man, now I'm gonna feel all guilty... I'll help you change it." "Seriously? Oh, that'd be great!" And help he did. We chatted and made fun of Big O as we figured out how to release the spare from under the car and use the jack. And yes, I did get my hands dirty, though he did most of the work. I tried to offer him some cash, but all he asked was for me to take a picture of him changing my tire in front of a Big O Tire store, which I happily did. He couldn't wait to tell the story to his co-workers, saying his day had been pretty boring up til then. Also, he said he had a wife that he hoped someone would help in the same situation. I didn't get his name, but thanks so much!
Donut securely in place, I made my way toward Discount Tire, normally a 10 minute drive. I do love not going over 40 MPH.... By this time my waffle fries were cold and my shake was decidedly melty, and I honestly didn't have much of an appetite. I was SO mad at those jerks at Big O who could have changed my tire in less than 5 minutes and were probably inside laughing at us. Well I did get to Discount Tire and as always the guys there were fast and friendly. The man who checked me in was impressed by the size of the chunk of metal sticking out of my now-flat tire. He expressed his concern over their ability to just patch it and I told him I REALLY didn't want to buy a new tire, but I understood and for them to do their best. I was in there less than 15 minutes. I didn't have time to look through a single crappy tire-store magazine fully. My tire got plugged, replaced on the car, and the spare and jack put away. And a kid with a smile on his face told me no charge and sent me on my way. They even checked the air pressure in all my tires. So let's weigh this out.... Fast, friendly service that gets results, or an overbearing jerk working for that creepy Little O.... I love Discount Tire. Though looking back, they didn't ask me if I wanted to keep the bolt...
Anyway, I guess my whole point is if you're trying to lose weight and save money, don't go out for fast food. You'll get a flat tire.

Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other

What a long week it’s been… I haven’t seen you in 3 and a half weeks. I’ve seen you once since you asked me to be your girl. I haven’t heard from you at all in more than 72 hours, not a peep. It’s become a coin toss, the way I look at our situation. One minute I’m patient and quiet. The next I’m tortured, saddened and raging. Dragon would have dumped you long ago. Nickles says you’re good for me and my impatient nature. So here’s how my thought process works at these times.

You’re such a sweet and wonderful guy, and I know you’re a good man. You have ambitions and goals, you have a plan. I have no doubt you’ll achieve what you want to financially and career-wise. And what’s the big deal about being apart? It could be worse, you’re not a soldier in Iraq. You don’t live six states away. I’ve looked into your eyes before. And if I eventually want forever, what’s one more day, and then one more?

But then, how long does it take to send one little text? Where’s the reassurance I’m even ever on your mind? Here’s one more guy who can’t be bothered with me except on his schedule. And yes, it’s more stressful for you to have to worry about keeping me happy. but did you ever consider how stressful it is for me to just not even know? Whether you care? Whether you’re safe? Anything?

And I go back and forth, back and forth…

I love that you texted me so much I had to up my cell plan;
that Fraggle Rock turns you on;
our inappropriate phone conversations;
that being with you feels like coming home;
that you’re trying to get back in shape;
your beautiful eyes and sexy voice;
that you play the piano for me over the phone;
you tell me I’m beautiful, and you’ll always keep me safe;
you tell me you can’t remember a time before me;
you trust me enough to show me your house;
you forgot to pick up your mom from the airport because you were with me;
I'm the first girl to bring you flowers;
you calling me at 11:30 at night;
you’re proud of my martial arts ambitions;
the way you can’t look at me when I’m touching you;
the way you peek anyway;
you’re accepting of my imperfections.

And I hate that you ditched a good dinner for a little snow;
that you missed a day, then an evening, then a night;
that you’ve never showed up on my doorstep surreptitiously;
you’ve never woken me up after sneaking into my house in the middle of the night;
you ditched me last Saturday;
and then Sunday;
and Monday too;
you don’t call when you say you will;
you never text me back anymore;
you never return my e-mails anymore;
work is always more important, regardless of plans;
I’m not worth your time.

Songs that come to mind?
Whatever It Takes
Precious Illusions
Realize

And yes, I’m still here. But I keep thinking I can’t do this forever. And then I think what a quitter I’d be if we broke up. And then I think 'how much longer are you gonna let another guy treat you like shit?' And then I think 'but it can’t go on like this forever'. And then I think but what if it does? And then I quit thinking, it does me no good.

It went something like this...

Having discussed my situation (ie. psycho stalker-girl spasm) with Dragon, it was decided I should neither ignore Knight or bother him constantly. It was instead suggested that I e-mail him exactly how I felt, leave a voicemail saying I had e-mailed him and he NEEDED to read it, and see what happens.

And so I wrote…

Subject: Just me again
And I have to tell you I'm not terribly cheerful tonight. I'm actually having a rather hard time writing this, that first sentence has been sitting alone on my screen for 10 minutes now. I miss you, love. Painfully and desperately, and I'm having major problems with that. I think it's because when we first started talking we e-mailed often, then texted incessantly (to the point where I upped my phone plan) and now I hardly hear from you at all. I tell myself you're just busier than usual, but I don't really know that. Maybe you're always this busy and you were making time for me before... Or maybe you're avoiding me for some reason. Or maybe... well, I don't actually know. I want you to be aware that I'm really bothered by this right now. I'm torn between bothering you constantly or ignoring your existence completely until I hear from you again. But I'll settle for this. Just in case you are as paranoid as I can be, no, I'm not dumping you. But I AM having a hard time, I think if I hadn't heard from you so often in the first place that it wouldn't hurt so bad to not hear from you now. And even if you ARE super busy, it takes less than a minute to send a text once a day... I need some reassurance here, and I'm sorry if that sounds needy or whiny, but that's just the way I feel.
A response would be appreciated, in whatever form you want to send it. I just needed to get that all out...
Much love,
~me~

It was less than an hour later that Jack Johnson’s ‘Bubble Toes’ came out of my phone and I excused myself to the privacy of my room. I realize now I don’t even know if he read my e-mail yet, perhaps his call was brought on simply by my message. The results are the same.

((Please read blue text with the sexiest Australian accent God has ever graced a man with))

Hi!
Hey babe
How are you doing?
I’m alright, I just called to see how you’re first day was
Ugh, long and boring! I spent most of my day sitting in my cubicle reading training manuals. But it’ll be better once I go on site. It was okay.
Well good, that’s really great. Hey, I can’t talk long, I’m probably going to be working til 5am, but I just wanted t see how your first day is.
Well thank you. Can I ask you something?
What’s that?
Are you always this busy?
No. No I’m not always this busy.
Promise?
I promise. We just have a ton of projects coming due, like 12 projects this week.
Okay. I believe you. I’m just going a little crazy over here. (And my voice started to break. Did he hear that?)
You’ve gotta have faith in me baby. It’s not always like this.
All right. I will. I’ll let you go.
Okay babe, I’ll talk to you soon, okay?
Okay, bye.
Bye babe. (And that's when I broke down.)

And regardless of how much I may have cried, from pure relief and loneliness, I do believe him. And that will push me through the next 24 hours.

Heartfelt Ramblings and Lost Causes in Poetry

Walking on air and dancing on water I walk the thin line between pleasure and pain, love and indifference. Question marks dance before me as does your face. The wind blows but the snow won’t fall and the rain was always a memory. I’m dizzied by your call to duty and my call to emotion. In a battle where no one is right or wrong there can be no victor and no defeated, only the fallen. I think ever moment of your hand in mine but I turn my face away. You speak pretty words between disconnects. You steal my breath, then my heart, then raise my unease. Recorded here for all and none to see, a man who can’t remember a time before her. A woman who could imagine life without him, but she is saddened at the possibility. A conundrum and a paradox, a world full of possibilities. The sound of your voice makes me unable to listen, so I close my eyes to hear. And I wonder what you’re thinking when you’re not here to ask. I think only of you. Falling through the sky to be caught be angel wings, then dropped into the hands of demons. Torturous rapture, glorious distress. Raise me up above all and drag me to the depths.
I am yours.

Blue Rose

Hmmmm... Approaching yet another Valentine's day without a sweetheart. Most of the year I don't mind so much, but there are too many flowers and hearts and cuddly stuffed critters this time of year. Makes a girl a bit lonely, you know? And realistically I know I'm too busy and too picky for a relationship right now, but I still think about it now and then. So what kind of guy would I have?

I know a man who married his best friend, who overcame a bad marriage to be with the one he truly loved and had fireworks and magic with. I know a man who was totally devoted to his wife in every aspect while still being the man he was. I know a man who, when his wife became ill, found the finest doctors, the best research and did everything he could to help her. He helped her dress, he sat beside her and helped her wash her hair in the bathtub when she couldn't shower anymore. He brought home flowers every week, and pushed her wheelchair around any town fair or convention center event she wanted to go to. He lived for her and she for him. I know a man who held his best friend's hand as she died, and told her how sorry he was that he couldn't fix it.

I guess I want a man like that.

True Courage

Today was the Black Belt Spectacular. Chris participated in the Little Dragons Demo Team and of course he was great. But that wasn’t the moment that has stuck with me today. I participated in the Muay Thai Kickboxing Demo, something I’d been afraid to do. And I did pretty dang good. But that moment didn’t touch me. Miss Merrifield earned her 3rd degree black belt today after many years of hard work. But while fun to watch, that’s not what will stick with me. No, the memory engrained in my mind today is of a boy who couldn’t break his board.
I don’t know his name. I don’t recall what school he was from. But this boy had heart. If I remember right he was 10 years old, or maybe 11? And he stood in front of two hundred people like every other candidate. He was out there with instructors in the middle of the floor for his board break, the moment all the audience really looks forward to. They do them in groups, each moving at their own pace. I watched with enthusiasm, cheering as some candidates took a couple attempts to make their breaks, shouting for the students I knew. And then I started watching this boy down at my end of the room.
He was practicing for a kick-break. It wasn’t a jumping kick and it wasn’t a push kick, I don’t know the tai kwon do terms. It was close to a roundhouse but hitting with the ball of the foot. Anyway, he made his bow to signify he was going to attempt the break. He attempted. He failed. He tried again. No. And again. And again and again. The instructor adjusted the boards. He made a few more practice strokes. And bowed and tried again. And again. And again. By the third set of attempts he had tears streaming down his face. I watched as the instructor took the boy’s face in his hands and spoke to him, forehead to forehead. I know he was pumping him up. I’ve never heard a single negative thing from a Trans instructor in the 9 months we’ve attended. The boy pursed his lips and tried again. A woman sitting next to me yelled, “You can do it, sir!” as other candidates continued and most of the crowd remained unaware. And again. And again. One board was removed, down to one inch-thick board. And he tried again. The board was switched. And again. And again they switched the board, and again he tried.
I watched him as all this happened, and as the first tears fell I suddenly was overcome with an intense feeling of failure, embarrassment, worthlessness. Shame. Unworthiness. I knew I was feeling what this boy was feeling, it washed over him so strongly and lashed out. But ladies and gentlemen, here stands courage. Here stands a boy only in 6th or 7th grade. Here stands a child failing over and over and over before the eyes of 200 people and the masters of four schools. In the end before every candidate there. And here is courage because this boy did not quit. I can only imagine how hard it must have been, how much his foot must have stung at each failed attempt. But he didn’t turn away and he didn’t quit. He didn’t walk off the floor and he didn’t give up.
By the end of this spectacle, he was the last candidate on the floor. The audience was clapping a rhythm of encouragement, shouting praise to him. And he cried and looked defeated. Surrounded by two school masters and 3 instructors, that boy kept trying, and he DID break his board. And the entire place was filled with screams and shouts and cheers and applause all for that one child. And it broke my heart to watch him hurry off the floor with his eyes down, his face hidden in what must have been shame and embarrassment.
And you know, in the end it didn’t matter. He had passed his testing more than a week ago, all the candidates did. All this was just pageantry, a place for them to show off. A place for family and friends to take pictures.
Afterward I made a point of seeking him out. I congratulated him and told him “Good job on your board break.” He thanked me with a very half-hearted smile and his father (?) laughed. I hope he didn’t think I was making fun of him. Given the time I would have told him I thought he was one of the bravest kids I’d ever seen, certainly the bravest there that day. Good job, sir.

K, whatever

So you didn't get that promotion you were supposed to get? Didn't get that job you've been telling me all about? Meeting didn't go as well as planned? The one I've been rooting for you on, and I was so happy and excited for you. And so you don't want to talk about it? That's fine... Might just be a guy thing. Might be that Draygon is right. Might be that you don't think of me nearly as much as I think of you. Might be that you don't think of me at all. Well, cheers. Have fun in Texas. Maybe you'll run into the other one who doesn't think of me anymore, maybe just by chance. You guys will have a lot to not talk about if you did. Cheers.

Know what happened after that? I was driving home, thinking of you. I wrapped my hand tight around my prayer beads, my radraksha beads, and though of you, thought hard of you in half a dozen memories, half a dozen visions of your face. You called me less than 5 minutes later. I don't believe in coincidence. We talked nicely, as friends, for quite a while. You complained about losing that promotion, I listened sympathetically. I invited you over. You said you didn't have enough fuel, and no money. I offered to get you some gas if you wanted to come up. We flirted a bit. And then after a while you mentioned how you got some extra money so you could buy your final eighth. You said this, knowing how I hate to hear of it. Knowing our agreement. And silly me, I'd fallen still in love with you, feelings that had been buried over the last couple days, and it hurt. And I brushed you off. I texted you and yelled at your for once again choosing your drugs over me. But I got to thinking about all of it for once and I've come to this conclusion. The head games aren't yours now, they're mine. I expect myself to be treated like something to you, when you've made it clear I'm not. You've done nothing more than what you've always said, treated me like only a friend. And of course I've pushed my side with all the grace of a sky-diving rhinoceros. And that's oh so me, I must always have my way. Silly girl. You might be stupid but I'm completely dense, with my little self-destruct button firmly pressed down. So here comes my most recent attempt to walk away. To not be surprised when you do exactly what you always said you would. I thought, for a few fleeting moments, that I didn't trust you. But you've only lied to me once, weeks ago, and apologized for that many times. No, I don't trust me. I don't trust me with you. So lovely that you're going away to give me time to be without you. I'll miss you, but I know it's for the best, for the sake of my health.

Union down

I heard it first on Alice this morning, then found it as the top story on Denver 7 when I checked their site at work. Beth and Doug Hammer, a quiet couple in a gated community, are staging an even quieter protest to the uproar of their neighbors and local HOA. On the anniversary of the war in Iraq this past March, Beth went out to fly her flag like she did every morning. But on this particular morning, she flew it union down. Upside down. One might recall that movie “The Last Castle”, and how the flag being raised upside down was a sign the castle has fallen. Flying a flag union down is a sign of distress, something Beth feels the nation is in. Do I agree with her? Doesn't matter (though I do). Do I approve of her flying our beloved flag upside down? Doesn't matter (and I really don't know). But something about this story really got to me. Not in an uncomfortable sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach way, but in a fascinated I want to learn everything about this I can kind of way. After a wasted hour and a half I had failed to procure Mrs. Hammer's contact information, which I knew I would. I did contact one reporter hoping he would send on an e-mail to her. Incidentally Beth and Doug, if you by some random chance of fate happen upon your names here, drop me a line.

Here's what I've learned in my research today. Beth does not support the war in Iraq. Beth does support our troops, here there and everywhere. Beth feels there are important issues to be dealt with at home, that we focus too much on foreign policy. I have to say I agree. Beth and Doug went to Maui recently. Good for you!

Anyway, I guess I'm just sharing. With my estranged big brother doing yet another tour in Bahrain, anything regarding the war hits close to home. Anytime freedom of speech is challenged (even under the guise of an HOA contract) I sit up. Beth is exercising her right to free speech and her right to protest. She is doing it quietly and peacefully, harming no one. Yes, some vets in her neighborhood are mad. One article I read says one of her neighbor's has taken to flying her flag wrong-side up as well. If nothing else, she's caused a stir and people are talking.

Kudos Beth and Doug, stay strong. Thousands upon thousands of brave young men have died so you have the right to hang your flag union down. They're still dieing, for a lot of silly little political reasons, but ultimately because they loved this country and chose to serve, and God bless every one of them, whether in the heated battle grounds in the red zones of Iraq or sitting safely at a desk in Alaska.

Here is a link to one article regarding this, if interested I'm sure you can Google up a few more. Incidentally the author of this particular article, Mr. Johnson, is the reporter I contacted.

'Woman's flag upside down, as are neighbors' responses'

The importance of race cars

There is a reason that toddler, trouble and tantrum all begin with T. I'm not quite sure what that reason is, but it sounded good... I took Even to the store tonight because that's what a mother does when she's out of milk. To my unrestrained horror, we quickly discovered that all of the car-style shopping carts were in use. Commence tantrum. By the 2 yo, not me! My look was one of sheer terror I'm sure, though I tried to be brave as I steered the little siren towards a regular cart. You know the problem with all 6 cars being gone? Besides the screaming and the yelling and the pleading? I swear we saw every single one of them as we went through that store. What should have been a leisurely shopping trip turned into a mad dash to gather milk, diapers, and Chef Boyardee amidst the screams of "DOWN!" and "UP!" and "DADDY!" (mind you had he been with daddy he would've cried mommy). You know those horrible children you occasionally meet in a busy grocery store at 5:30 in the evening after having completed a hard Monday at the office and you want nothing else but to shop and go home but their piercing wails follow you up every aisle you wander? That's my child. That's my child without his car shopping cart. Not that I didn't try to stop him, I did! I tried to let him push, he ran in to things. I tried to carry him as I pushed, I ran in to things. I tried to seat him properly. I tried to put him in the basket part. I swatted his butt. I pleaded, I threatened, but short of getting home and turning on the sprinkler (merely so he could watch, he wouldn't actually play in that frigid water) would he shut up. The tantrums continued off and on throughout the evening, despite letting him drive the car (no, not with the keys, stupid!), taking him to the park, giving him a bath and following it all with ice cream. He now lays on the couch buried beneath and 5-foot long blue tiger. Scratch that, I've just spent the last 15 minutes rocking him back to sleep... Think we better abandon that subject...

Clarification required

I’m a little fuzzy on where the new boundaries are. How far can I go before I’m pressing the issue? Pushing too hard? Saying things you’d rather not hear? Like can I still tell you that I love you? It’s no less true now than it was a week ago. I know I can tell you I’m still upset about Wednesday, but can I tell you when you hugged me tonight I felt that all too familiar painful ache in my chest? I thought I was falling right back out and now here I am again. I wasn’t out, I was just distracted… Am I allowed to tell you how much joy I got from watching you play with my littlest boy, or how just watching tv in your living room was a wonderful evening? Can I tell you that my line carved in sand seems to get washed away with the tide when I’m with you? Or that I WOULD wait for you if you asked me to? Can I tell you you have two of the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen? And I know I already told you I wanted to kiss you, but what if I said it again? At what point am I just that annoying little stalker chick from up north? I couldn’t manage to tell you that it was never too far to drive to see you, and I almost said I want to drive you to the airport next week so I’m guaranteed to see you before you leave. Am I allowed to say I’d fall into your arms if I knew you’d catch me? And how many times could I say I missed you before it was banned from conversation? I don’t think I’ve said it in a few days but I do. I could scream and shout about wanting to be yours, but I know it wouldn’t make any difference. And if I was smart, I wouldn’t contact you at all til you come back to town and we could see how we both feel then. But then I’d be miserable and you’d be a mystery to me. And I don’t honestly think you’d go that long without contacting me, just cuz I didn’t contact you. I do miss my 7 o’clock text message… Maybe we should bring that back? I guess there’s nothing else to say…

I'm not falling ((or midnight rant))

***beware of adult language***

Laying in bed and it’s almost midnight and my mind strays to you. Now why is that? You, who hang up on me. You who want nothing to do with me but ask how I am. You who so carefully avoid me. And I know I scare you and frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a damn. You are the one I want tonight. It’s you I want lying beside, your breather I want to hear and feel. It’s your hands I want on me. And are you a thousand miles away? I don’t even know! And I try to call out to you but I can’t touch you like that. And my mind flits to the phone, but I don’t want to wake your house. And I think I’ll print this and have Goofball mail it to you but my printer doesn’t work. And all I want to do is rant and rave and hope and dream and all I have is this damn computer to throw it at! And what does the internet care if I can’t have you, tonight or any other night? If you called tomorrow and asked me to be yours, I would do it. You could be in Texas and I would be here and I’d still be yours. But that’s not likely to happen now, is it? No… foolish pride and anger and fear and god knows what else keeps you away. And if you hung up on me so quick than I know you must be thinking of me as much as I’m thinking of you. You admitted as much a year ago. No, I haven’t forgotten that… For a few glorious months I thought I could have you back. And now I’m sitting here in the middle of the night typing in righteous indignation and with hate and anger and feelings I don’t know how to name.. And I don’t know how to put it all behind me because I’ve never had anyone like you before. Not a day has gone by in the last five years of my life that I haven’t had at least a fleeting thought of you. Now who in your life can say that for you? And you push me away. How can you still ask about me then push me away? Make up your god damn mind and be honest! With yourself, with me, with the world, for Christ sake! Is it so fucking hard to talk on a phone. For five minutes. For two. So I can hear your voice… Dammit L! Do you remember that spring? I do… Seems like every minute of it, though I’m sure something’s been lost to time. And I know you remember too. You’ve told me as much, before you went all gungho macho thinking you could push me out of your head. Got news for you sweetheart, it’s not that easy. I don’t know what there was, is, or will be, but it’s not that easy. Oh fuck it, I’m going back to bed.

Dear L,

I was talking to Nickles tonight, and she told me she wanted to talk about something that she couldn't talk with me about right then, so of course I asked if it was juicy and she said yes, and I asked if it was baout you and she said no. Well not to be deterred, I asked if she had spoken to you lately, and she said she had. I asked if I was mentioned and she said I was. Apparently you told her you felt guilty for hanging up on me, and that you didn't want to encourage me. Let me, at this time, assure you that I can encourage myself quite well without any help from you. I can picture a more perfect relationship in this fertile imagination of mine than you (or any man probably) could ever provide. By speaking to me for 10 minutes because I had a sudden urge to converse with you will not encourage me in my adoration of you. Sorry, you're just so good that I'll adore you with or without encouragement, this is what memory does to me. Guess you're stuck. But maybe eventually I'll want to call again and maybe you won't hang up. Just wanted to throw this out in the universe...
~luv me~

Is this how real people meet?

I was leaned over the engine in my mini van checking the oil level as the gas pumped. Yay me, how long’s it been since I checked the oil? A clerk was next to my car replacing the trash bag in the can.

“How’s it look?”

“Black.”

“Due for a change?”

“Very.”

“Oh well, as long as it’s not smoking and still goes down the hills.”

“And back up them,” I grinned. “Hasn’t exploded on me yet.”

I replaced the dipstick and went to shut off the pump, then turned toward the store.

“Suppose I should put more in…”

“Need a quart?”

“Or two.”

And in I went to buy oil like a good girl.

I came out to find the clerk still standing by the trash can, the bag correctly installed.

“Are you still here?”

“Yeah, thought I’d hang out a minute.”

I grinned to myself as I started to fill the oil. It took me a minute to get the cap off the reservoir, but I managed.

“You’ve got a lot of freckles on your shoulders.”

Why are we discussing my freckles?

“I was sunburned as a child.” Normally I would go into the whole long spiel about the 3^rd degree sunburn when I was 14.

“You’re sunburned as an adult.” And that I was, having been playing in the sun that weekend. ((Witty banter, Jae?))

I laughed and straightened so I could go wash my hands and he was watching me as I passed.

“And big beautiful eyes” On hind sight maybe he didn’t mean to say eyes? But this was definitely flirting… A dozen smart ass remarks flitted through my head.

“Thanks” I said with a smile.

I pulled out a water bottle and poured some on my hands, then rubbed them together and wiped them on my jeans.

“Is there a family that goes with this minivan?”

“Of course! Why on earth would anyone own a minivan if there wasn’t a family to go with it?” I walked back around to close the hood.

“Oh…” A bit crestfallen? “Kids?”

“Yep, 3, ages 11, 7, and 2, all boys.”

“Husband?” Asked tentatively.

“Oh no!” I replied cheerfully as the hood closed, “ I got rid of that!”

“I have two boys, they’re ((I can’t remember but they were teens))”

There was some other brief small talk, involving place of residence and purpose for current location (gas station).

“I don’t do this with everyone, but maybe, after we’ve talked a lot more ((he hastily added)) we could exchange numbers.”

“Maybe…” I winked and off I drove.

Is this how people meet in the real world, the world devoid of computers and Hot or Not???

Hello?

Tex, is that you torturing me? It doesn't feel like you, but someone is there... Maybe it's Angel, but that doesn't seem right either... Maybe it's L... he hung up on me Satruday, told me not to call anymore. But Nickles says he asks about me whenever she or Goofball talks to him. That feels like it's more in the right direction, but I didn't think he could do that...

Painted smile type of day

Chris, my little (almost) 7yo got beat up at the bus stop this morning! Now, we've had problems in the past. Aerrik would say kids shoved him off a snow hill he was climbing (big ass snow hills), I told him not to climb when they're around. Kids throw snowballs, iceballs, and rocks at Aerrik and Chris. I tell them go inside the community center. Kids pushed Chris down. I said next time it happens grab an adult in the community center to identify the brats and I'll call their parents. Well I get a call from the school today, it's Aerrik using the office phone. He says a couple kids were throwing snowballs at Chris and BEATING him with their backpacks!!! I asked him if he knew who they were and he said he "only" knew two of their names, which leads me to believe there were more involved. One is a 5th grader in Aerrik's class, the other is a 4th grader who was held back (big surprise!). So I had Aerrik put the school scretary on the phone, told her the situation and told her I wanted these kids names because I wanted to press charges (I am SO tired of this shit!). Well she said she can't give me their last names but said she knows who they are and the school will look into and she'll let me know what's going on. Now, I trust her, she's a nice competent lady, but I'm also going to be checking my school directory tonight, and if I can find these punks I'm gonna have an officer accompany me to their houses for a little chat. I also called the police department and told them after spring break (next week) I want an officer presence at the bus stop until this BS ends. This is getting ridiculous! I'm afraid I might be overreacting but what else can I really do? Chris will learn bully-busting skills in taekwondo but he's only had 2 classes! ARGH!!!!!!!