Blammo

I've had my momet, partially delivered by my most recent text book. For years I've known I was an enabler, but I work so much better with labels that I never could quite figure out what to do with it. Then I saw a word in my reading that made me sit up and all the lights came on.

CO-DEPENDENT
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

17 out of 22. That sounds like me for sure. So what? Well once you're aware of something, you can set about to change it. Me being who I am, I first joined a bunch of codependency Yahoo groups, which taught me that this is a common problem. I'm not the only codependent personality in the world. Over the last 3 days, it's been like a lightswitch has come on for me. Whereas a narrow beam used to show me some of my destructive behaviors some of the time, now they've all come to light and they are not separate entities, they're intertwined, this one caused by that one and so forth and so in into a long spiral of self-destructive behavior.

What have I done lately? I FINALLY left an emotional abusive relationship, freeing myself to learn who I truly am, apart from deifning myself by his standards. I jumed into another relationship, intent on being perfect once more. It felt much more natural, but when that one fell apart, the old feelings of rejection came right back again. I have been defining myself by how others see me, or how I THINK they see me. Since I was a little child I can remember doing this, always wanting to please everyone else. I still do believe that I am a kind-hearted person, but I've come to a place where I realize I cannot focus on the rest of the world to the exclusion of myself.

Where am I today? Today is such a fluid concept, because who knows if the feelings of now will survive until later. Like a lightening bolt I was suddenly struck, and fell totally and completely in love. And for I think the first time in my life, it was with me. I do not look in the mirror and see what I'd like to change, I see what I could change if I want to. But I'm happy with my reflection. I look around me and am content with where I am, and know that I'll get to where I'm going. I've always been very positive, sometimes even truly positive. But today I feel wholly positive and the world is a comfortable place for me. I no longer want to worry about what others think about me. I am not perfect nor am I meant to be. But I am good, and I am happy with me.

I started exercising again Saturday night. I started Slim in 6 once again, and this time I will finish it. I have exercised to look better for Hooray, telling myself I would be happy if I was more beautiful for him. I have exercised for me telling myself that I would be happy if I was more attractvie so I could find a new guy. I exercised for Tex (briefly) telling myself that I woanted to be beautiful for him, even though he liked me just the way I was. And then I stopped and couldn't get the energy. I day here or there, fun for the baby to go for the walk, good for me to get moving, blah blah blah. Saturday I started for me. I am beautiful and I am fine the way I am. But it wouldn't hurt to lose a bit of weight and get a bit healthier. It's only good timing that my reunion is 6 weeks away, I couldn't care less what people I never hung out with 10 years ago think of me now. It's only good luck that a friend's wedding is in 5 weeks, if I don't fit into a prettier dress, then I just don't and oh well. But when I've been working out and pushing myself to the limit, it feels SO good! Because it's all about ME. I don't eat crap anymore for ME. I drink more water for ME. I'm getting healthier for ME. In the end I know this will have a good impact on many things. I'll play with my kids more, I'll breathe easier, and I'll be setting a good example to many people. But all those things are secondary, I'm doing this for ME.

BLAMMO everyone, this is my moment. And it feels goooood!