Okay, so Tex isn't a cowboy, but Hooray IS a dipshite. I was SO pissed after I picked up the boys today!!! So baby had shots Friday, and he usually gets a fever with shots. I gave Hooray proper Tylenol dosing instructions and sent him on his way. Called Saturday to check on him, he was doing fine, no fever. Well today I go to get him and Hooray says he's been feeling warm all day, but has been in a good mood, so he hasn't given him medicine. What's his temp? I didn't check. Grrr! So I check his temp, it's 101.7!! Well duh!!! Do you have some baby Tylenol? No. GRRR!!!!! So I ended up stopping at City Market on the way out of town so I could take care of this little baby who'd apparently been feverish all day! Also, the house was just gross! He had an ash bin right next to the wood stove filled to the top with ash and cigarettes. The trash was literally overflowing, the bathroom was covered in left after shaving detritis and the toilet was just plain nasty! Also come to find out the kids have no toothbrushes there and didn't bathe the whole weekend! And while he used to have them sleep in the king size bed with him, he now has them sharing a little single bed between the two of them!!! Then he has the nerve to tell me I lied to the judge Friday! Uh, no! He heard what I said wrong, it's all right there in the judge's notes. But not like it's even his place to discuss such things with me! I am SO happy to be out of there, and now I'm worried about sending my babies back next weekend! I sent off an e-mail to my law firm to make them aware of my concerns.
So with that out of my system... Tex is someone I'm hoping to make a good friend in the long run. It's the magic of HoN all over again (yippee yahoo.) but considering Ref disappeared off the face of the planet and Banjo is avoiding me due to bad memories, it's nice to have someone to talk to again outside of my dad! Don't get me wrong, Daddy dear is a sweetheart, and I'm amazed (and somewhat disturbed) by the variety of conversations we have, but I miss having a social life. And being irresistable. Okay, that's just egocentric. Anyway, I talked Tex into wandering down form the mountains last weekend and we had a great time! He kept calling me while he was driving and we talk so easily. He struck me as fun and obnoxious at first, so sure, why not? We ended up doing Casa Bonita, the Aquarium (AWESOME!), Liquid Courage (Bowler you are SO hot, and Goddess isn't bad either) and more Aquarium. Actaully, we closed down the aquarium, to the tune of 11pm, VERY fun! The next day we hit the zoo, and while I defintely got less attention since Tex had his camera with him, I still had a great time *l* We watched the Suber Bowl together (no touchdowns but maybe a field goal) and Grey's Anatomy, then I packed him off before I didn't do something he'd regret *l*
So where is all this going? I don't know. Here's a nice guy who I enjoy being around and talking with. I felt automatically comfortable. He's not the most attractive man on the planet and there are no sparks, but I really liked spending time with him. He backed off this week, afraid that he'd scared me off, and I missed talking with him. It leads to all kinds of questions, self doubts and discoveries. I know I'm super lonely, and I miss the physical side of having a relationship. But I just can't dive in to the physical without some emotional feeling, and I'm too scared to get emotional just yet, still finding myself after discovering how truly bad I had it. I never realized how much Hooray was holding back my self-esteem until I got out of Dodge! So now I'm finding me and I'm finding I like me. I don't think I could do the casual unless L showed back up. But then, I'm not sure I'd want to be just casual with L... BAD ROAD! Detour! I guess what I'm trying to figure out is what I want right now. I know what I want ultimately. I want to love myself, I want to provide for my children, and I want a man who sees me for the amazing creature that I am, soemone who can love me through anything and is never demeaning to me. But I think all that will wait. What do I want now? A good roll in the hay... But that's out of the question at the moment ;o) I'm not sure I should be thinking in terms of wants, but needs. I need a new social circle. Tex is a good start, Blondie, Bowler and Goddess, Banjo if he'd reappear. I need people I can call just to talk. I miss Nickles. Though I could talk to her anytime, I'm sure. I want a guy friend... I want an arm wrapped around my waist but no more. Does that make me a tease?
I think what I really need is to go to bed... Tex wants me to come up and visit him next weekend, and I'd really like to (weather permitting). But, and we talked about this, I know I'd end up spending the night because it's such a long drive, and I'm not comfortable with that. Tex was nothing but a gentleman unless encouraged otherwise, but he's still mostly a stranger. Plus Daddy dear would FREAK. I think... I don't kow. He'd worry for sure, but he'd understand too. I don't know if he'd misinterpret my reasons. I don't want s.e.x. yet, (okay, maybe want, but won't do), I just want to spend soem time getitng to kow what seems to be a nice guy. He's just inconveniently located. It's all up to me though, ball's in my court, etc etc. Think this ball is gonna go sleep.
