I'm not falling ((or midnight rant))

***beware of adult language***

Laying in bed and it’s almost midnight and my mind strays to you. Now why is that? You, who hang up on me. You who want nothing to do with me but ask how I am. You who so carefully avoid me. And I know I scare you and frankly Scarlet, I don’t give a damn. You are the one I want tonight. It’s you I want lying beside, your breather I want to hear and feel. It’s your hands I want on me. And are you a thousand miles away? I don’t even know! And I try to call out to you but I can’t touch you like that. And my mind flits to the phone, but I don’t want to wake your house. And I think I’ll print this and have Goofball mail it to you but my printer doesn’t work. And all I want to do is rant and rave and hope and dream and all I have is this damn computer to throw it at! And what does the internet care if I can’t have you, tonight or any other night? If you called tomorrow and asked me to be yours, I would do it. You could be in Texas and I would be here and I’d still be yours. But that’s not likely to happen now, is it? No… foolish pride and anger and fear and god knows what else keeps you away. And if you hung up on me so quick than I know you must be thinking of me as much as I’m thinking of you. You admitted as much a year ago. No, I haven’t forgotten that… For a few glorious months I thought I could have you back. And now I’m sitting here in the middle of the night typing in righteous indignation and with hate and anger and feelings I don’t know how to name.. And I don’t know how to put it all behind me because I’ve never had anyone like you before. Not a day has gone by in the last five years of my life that I haven’t had at least a fleeting thought of you. Now who in your life can say that for you? And you push me away. How can you still ask about me then push me away? Make up your god damn mind and be honest! With yourself, with me, with the world, for Christ sake! Is it so fucking hard to talk on a phone. For five minutes. For two. So I can hear your voice… Dammit L! Do you remember that spring? I do… Seems like every minute of it, though I’m sure something’s been lost to time. And I know you remember too. You’ve told me as much, before you went all gungho macho thinking you could push me out of your head. Got news for you sweetheart, it’s not that easy. I don’t know what there was, is, or will be, but it’s not that easy. Oh fuck it, I’m going back to bed.