Ah! Back agin taday are ye?

Feeling down lately, feeling like writing about it. Well, feeling like talking about it but don't feel that there's anyone to talk to really. I don't know how to put my thoughts into words to explain to someone else. At least here I can think it out as I go. Titanc said something to me Saturday that dug deep. I would have slugged him if my kids hadn't been there watching. If it wouldn't have been the wrong thing to do. Instead I clenched my teeth and told him I wouldn't argue in front of my boys, it wasn't appropriate. He said something along the lines of being sick of dealing with this bipolar shit, and which pole was he talking to right now. I'm so sorry my chemical imbalance is an inconvenience to you. I've been living with it for twenty years, so you don't need to explain it to me. After dinner he went upstairs, didn't come back down til 10 the next day, and I slept on the couch that night.

In his defense, I have been a pain lately. Been feeling angry alot, and depressed, and worthless, and underappreciated. Had a lot of down time lately. But in my defense Titanc is the king of not doing what he says he will, of putting things off. And then getting annoyed if I do them myself. And that day, for a few days really, he'd been snapping at my boys alot for stupid little stuff, just really getting on their cases, so my mama bear hackle was up. But some things you don't say, and he found the one.

It's left me wondering for real if I should end things. Haven't worn my ring since then, put it in his tie drawer for safe keeping. It seems to me that is he can't handle the BP, and it's only gonna get worse as I get older it'd be better to cut ties now. Better that he doesn't have the burden. Better that I take care of myself rather than walking on eggshells. I'd rather be me alone than someone else with somebody. 

He tried to talk once, but an apology followed by we should get you help isn't an apology, it's a solution. It just pissed me off more and I told him I wasn't in the frame of mind to discuss it. That was Sunday. He's been not talking to me as much as possible since then. And I'm lonely.

I'm going to switch to my generic RX so I can get on the dose I'm supposed to be, I halved it close to two years ago. Maybe that'll help, or at least numb things up a bit.

Add fuel to the fire, Aerrik moved up with Hooray on Sunday. Been crying every night since. Last night we'd gone out shopping and Chris stayed home. As we drove down Vine I saw the lights on and thought about my two kids waiting for me. But when we pulled up in front of the house I remember Aerrik wasn't there. Instant sad. As we walked up to the house I mentioned to Titanc that I just remember Aerrik wasn't there waiting for me. And he said, well he is waiting for you, it'll just be a couple weeks. Insensitive prick. I would've preferred an arm around my shoulder. So very alone...