Enough adventure for one day

I got up this morning feeling apprehensive about picking up the boys. We only got 6 inches of snow here, but I knew everywhere south of us got hammered... I checked CDOT, discussed it with Russ, and decided to wait til tomorrow, which will give the plows more time to work and we can see how Ev will do with another night. It's a good thing I did stay though!
I went outside this morning to do a little shoveling and found my driver side window half-way down. Odd... But whatever. So I opened the door to roll it up, then realized I didn't have my keys. So I closed the door. And the window disappeared. Problem. So I did my shoveling then went in and called Dad, who said he would lookat it after a bit.
I cruised the car over there and dad worked as much magic as he could manage. The motor still worked so he thought the cable that held the window had snapped. But there was no way to know unless we took the door panel off, and he just didn't have the right tools. So I made many phone calls trying to find someone with the rights parts who was open today and such, fat chance on a holiday weekend. Finally dad said just find someone to take the door panel off so we can at least look at it, then we'd go from there.
Big props to Rich Bauer at Midwest Autobody! This very nice man popped my door panel at no charge, and even discovered what was wrong! The window had simply come off its tracks, something my dad was able to fix in under a half hour once we got it back to his house. Needless to say I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I intended to...
But wait, you say. Yeah, this is interesting and all, but it's not THAT big of an adventure! You could stand a bit more, couldn't you? Well frankly, no. See, the window was enough stress, as I worried about how to pay for having it fixed. The commute was the adventure. As is 14 degree weather without a working heater, no window, and slushy (read: splashback) roads wouldn't be fun enough while driving the 25 minutes in to Longmont, we became inundated by fog. Like, THICK fog. Fog where you couldn't make out the color of the traffic lights until you were nearly IN the intersection. Fog where brake lights magically appeared in front of you, so you slammed on your own brakes on the icy rode, hoping to stop. No, the cold didn't bother me so much... It was the white knuckle death grip on the steering wheel driving that shattered my nerves. It was hoping everyone saw the appropriate red lights in time, and I only had a couple close calls.
Anyway, that's quite enough for me for one day! I have my window back in its full upright position, I have working power locks, and while I am now shy my driver side speaker (dad forgot to plug it back in and of course couldn't get the door panel back off) I shall be warmer (and drier) when I go to pick up the kids tomorrow.
Oh, and as a sidenote, Saddam Hussein (So Damn Insane as he was fondly called during the Gulf War) was executed last night. Of course car bombs abound in Iraq today. But that makes three...

Fated

You never would have made it out tomorrow... The snow's falling hard and they've already started canceling flights. Even if the storm was over, which it's not supposed to be, the aiport would still be in chaos. You are where you are supposed to be. Stop worrying, slow down and enjoy the ride. When I asked you about Lady and you started to talk, I could feel what you do. And it is such bliss. I admit to a twinge of jealousy as I helped you pick out a gift. Partially because it was you, and partially because it wasn't for me. Not just from you but for anybody. It's so beautiful, the type of thing I'd pick for myself... But I know someday I'll be the one on the receiving end. And I could have such fine things now, but I don't want them just yet. I'm happy with my life. I'll get there, it'll come. Til then I'll ride the wave for a while and see where it takes me. I am so happy for you Tex, and I love you so much. I hope all your dreams come true, in just the way they should.

Walking Away

Didn''t get around to posting last night, bedtime snuck up on me. We spent another day trapped in the house, but it was a good day. I rearranged my priorities and spent a minimum amount of time on the computer. I got the house cleaned up, crocheted quite a bit, watche dmovies and cuddled and played with Even. He's definitely getting bored, he was asking to go bye bye all day. Well now he's off with his daddy so that should help.
Last night he and Alice made friends. He was laughing and pointing at her cage, so I followed him over there... He stuck his face right up to the cage and Alice scampered over and nuzzled him! He broke into uncontrollable 2-year old giggles and did it again, and the two kept this up for nearly 5 minutes! I laughed and laughed, but was just waiting for her to bite his lip... She never did though and it was the cutest thing, I had to call Nickles and tell her all about it!
I was giving Ev a bath when L called... Thought I'd call cuz I've heard you've been going crazy trying to figure out when I was coming in to town. I was but Monday I gave up and decided I didn't care. Good, me to. Brief small talk. Look, I just wanted to let you know I'm not interested in that... What exactly do you define as that? We live in different states, I'm just not looking for a relationship... Good, me neither. Look L, it's been almost 5 years. I'd love to get together and all that, but I don't want to marry you. Good. Call quickly ended thereafter... ANd after I hung up I sat and thought about it for a minute, and it was true. I really don't care. And now 24 hours later, I wonder if I'd even care to see him at all... Oh it might be nice, we always did get along really well. But aren't the fantasies and memories better anyway? My life's turned just in these last few days... And it doesn't involve anyone but me and my babies. My family. The friends I hold dear.
This morning I discovered the drift by the van went up to the roof on the driver side. I crawled in through the passenger side and tried to rock my way to the street. I got about 5 feet... When I got out I saw a man in the neighbors' yard and asked if he had a shovel I could borrow. He said he did and would be right back, turns out he doesn't live there. Well I spent close to two hours digging just enough to get to the street, I'm not about to tackle the front steps yet! I left the shovel in the yard (as instructed) with a bag of cookies and a thank you note tied to it. It was still there when I came home tonight... But I did buy my own shovel!
Work was a bit crazy. I walked in and Dan thanked the heavens and handed 4 paychecks to me to write. Since payroll never made it in Wednesday, we had to handwrite any checks people wanted. Probably got about 50 out. But it was good cuz I got to work late, and I'm going in for a few hours tomorrow which will help with the time I'll miss for Christmas. Things are getting so tight... I worry a bit, but I know we'll make it all right. Roof and full bellies, right?
Tonight I've gotten a load more crocheting done and just relaxing in general. It's 9:15 on a Friday night and I'm seriously considering bed... Could I have grown up just a little?

Snowed in

I was supposed to have an interview down south this morning. But I called dad to get some directions and he siad there was already a few inches of snow down there and the roads were supposed to be bad, so I went to work early instead. The site was closed by 9:30 and they kicked me out by 10, even though I wanted to stay to get time done. It was probably best though, it was blizzard conditions driving home. So I picked up Even, kicked up the heat, and we've spent the day together. Last time I checked there was a two foot drift in front of my door, and I can't tell where the stairs start or end. It's kind of funny; because of the wind some places in the yard don't have half an inch, others have 3-4 foot drifts. Dad said he might come shovel me out tomorrow, and I'm supposed to call work in the morning to see if the site will be open. I don't think it will be though.

Checking in

Today was a good day, I suppose. Even woke up in a good mood, and I wasn't late for work ;o) I was feeling quiet and introspective all day, and couldn't even get excited over the fact that L should be in town today. I'm trying to learn how to calm myself... To step away and not get too involved. But to still feel as connected as I always have. I know what the goal is, just not how to reach it...
I reset Spark today and started logging my food again. My eating wasn't so good today, but it was only 1000 calories over or so, not bad for a first day really. I set my timer for 15 tonight and did some walking/jogging in the living room, and my legs feel good.
Even's been very fussy tonight. He's only happy if he's getting in trouble... Climbing on counters, pulling ornaments off the tree, digging through the trash... Ick! I would have to sit on the floor and force him to sit on my lap, curled in a blanket with his stuffed animals. After a minute or two of being made to sit he would calm down and drink from his cup, then be in a good mood for a while. Still, bed at 8 and hopefully he'll be happier tomorrow. I think it's cuz he's still getting over being sick.

Why not today?

Today I received what I believe to be very good advice. An old friend and I were discussing how I might move my life forward. I wish I had the converation saved to this computer, but it's elsewhere... Right down three things you would change. Focus on what you can see now. And I said I might. And he said don't might. And that got me thinking...

1) I want to lose weight and get healthier. It's been a goal for a while now. How to accomplish it? I'm going to start eating healthier, eating smaller portions, and exercising daily, no excuses. Starting this very moment.

2) I want to be able to provide better financially for my family. Unfortunately this isn't completely in my control, but I steer my ship in the direction I choose. I shall renew my job search every day. I will also begin a site to sell my craftwork, I am talented and should share with the world.

3) I want to learn what it is to be alone. I've learned to love myself, I now want to learn how to live with myself. I need to teach myself that I do not need a relationship. Not every nice man means forever. And to help accomplish this, I pledge to no sexual relationships for one year. This is not a definite number. If a man comes along and I know without a doubt that he is for me, it can change. But this is in writing and a starting point. Some people can play around, but for me sex has always been charged with emotion, even if it's just to make myself feel more attractive or powerful. And I think there's only been one man in my life where that was not detrimental to me. But even that may have changed.

So there you have it darling, and I truly do wish you all the happiness in the world. Myabe you can help guide me to mine...

My summer vacation

All right, it's not summer and it wasn't a vacation, but it seemed like a cute idea at the time... What it WAS was a nice relaxing and slightly emotionally stressing weekend spent in Glenwood Springs.
The drive up was as beautiful as ever. Traffic was light and the weather was nice. Plus since I got out of town a bit early it was still light, so I got to see the canyon. But past Vail, old memories started crowing in and I started to regret the going. I wasn't going to see the one this road always led to, and there was something sad and painful about that. I almost turned around when I hit town, not willing to face that pain. But that wouldn't have been fair, and life goes on no matter what's happened in the past, and no matter how my heart breaks. The clock doesn't stop ticking.
I hadn't decided what type of details to go into... I know who'll be reading this... Typically I don't let such things interfere with this, it's like someone stealing your diary with your knowledge... But some things just don't fit in this post and I suppose I'll write about them later anyway.
Got to see Stranger Than Fiction which I've been wanting to see since the first previews this past summer. It was as good as I hoped it would be, and more than I expected. The company wasn't so bad either.
Saturday I had the opportunity to ride the tram up to the Fairy Caverns. I'm not a huge fan of heights and was admittedly uncomfortable in a little metal and plexiglass box hovering 20 feet above the ground on a thick cable, but it was a comfortable metal and plexiglass box, and the view was fantastic, with all of the valley opening up below. It was really neat because at the top, there's a restaurant, some rides, a climbing wall, a little gift shop, and the caverns. I guess in the summer it's supposed to be a pretty cool attraction, most everything was closed when we were there.
We did go on the cave tour. It wasn't horribly expensive, even if it was just over an hour. The cavern was discovered in the late 1800's and the original owner actually gave tours to people, so the history of the caves was really neat. It's called fairy caverns because his daughter said the lamplight sparkling on the condensation inside looked like fairies. If you're hit by a water drop while inside, you've been kissed by a fairy and will have good luck all the rest of the day. I got kissed ;o) By a fairy, I mean. Not sure the rest of the day was lucky, but I didn't die or anything so it must've been good. There's a section of cavern where the original owner mined out a long shaft to an opening in the mountain which leads to a small ledge with a fantastic view, part of it down the canyon. Then you leave the caverns and re-enter through a lower entrance, which elads to the alrgest chamber, second largest in the state. It is big, nothing as grand as Carlsbad but still pretty neat. I'd like to be able to bring Aerrik there sometime. We did total darkness in Kings Row, a section named because the stalagmites look like the back row of a chess board (I didn't think so, but then I wasn't just holding a lantern). The weird thing is, I could still see.... I could see a glow around my hand, and very faintly around the other people with us... I considered that it was just my mind compensating for the dark since it already knew where my hand was as I waved it in front of my face, but I don't really believe that's what it was...
The ride back down the tram was far less traumatic, and I actually enjoyed it. Now that I didn't feel like death was imminent, I was much more comfortable. Or maybe I was just still stoked from the caves ;o) Is stoked even a word that's still used??? Guess it is now... Got to share a seat on the way back down... Do you remember me waving to the little boy and his dad on their way up? I can almost see you smiling at the thought... haha
I was able to finish nearly all my Christmas shop, amidst little shops, a mall, and Target and WalMart. Even ended up with a thing or two for myself, with much thanks... You still need to find someplace for me to wear that dress... Had a bit too much to drink Saturday night, but no regrets just yet.
Also while out and about Saturday, we wandered into a little tattoo shop (see their not-very-good website here: www.tattmandu.com) with a VERY talented artist by the name of Paul. Please note the work and his website is NOTHING compared to the quality shown in his studio. I found a piece in his art book that just sang to me and I had to have, so there was an appointment made for Sunday morning. The piece was hand designed for me with roses and the names of my boys, it's a true piece of beauty and I thank Paul for sharing his talent. The tat only to an hour and half, and didn't hurt badly at all. At times I couldn't even feel it. And the boys love it :o)

Release me

I don't want to be yours anymore.
Let me go.
And don't give me that bullsh*t that you already have. I've known you since I was just light and before time began. Teach me how to let you go.

Burning

I am SO pissed off. ALL DAY LONG. I checked my account today to make sure my payroll was deposited and Hooray's child support check bounced AGAIN. He's given me two personal checks, both have bounced. SO my first call was to him and I went off. Of course he says he doesn't know what happened. He called his bank and says he had the money. Well OBVIOUSLY not if the check got returned yesterday! My next call was to my lawyer. He's bounced another check, I'm not taking them anymore from him. Call his lawyer and find out why he hasn't set up through the state like he was supposed to a month ago. Called my abnk and explained, they put a note on my account. Luckily between my paycheck and the Christmas money grandma sent it was just enough to keep my account in the black. Today. I had fees from yesterday, which Hooray will have to cover. He's called me i don't know how many times a day and I am NOT talking to him. I'm so mad I could scream, and I DID cry! I text messaged him when necessary, but will not talk to him. He's wiring the money to me so I should have it tonight, so I can run by the bank and deposit it. But I am still SO pissed, just burning up! It's just one more check in his long line of disrespect. And worse, he's messing with his kids now! I was understanding the first time this happened, after he explained his debit card had been hacked and stolen. But not now, I'm ticked and he's on my sh1t list. AARRGH! This is just hanging over my head and ruining my day. And Aerrik has a concert tonight I need to be all cheerful and happy for. And I WILL enjoy the concert, just don't want to go out tonight or be around people. Well, maybe one people, but that's another rant entirely.

It's all been done...

I met you before the fall of Rome
And I begged you to let me take you home
You were wrong, I was right
You said goodbye, I said goodnight

It's all been done
It's all been done
It's all been done before

I knew you before the west was won
And I heard you say the pastwas much more fun
You go your way, I go mine
But I'll see you next time

It's all been done
It's all been done
It's all been done before

And if I put my fingers here,
and if I say"I love you, dear"
And if I play the same three chords,
Will you just yawn and say

It's all been done
It's all been done
It's all been done before

Alone and bored on a thirtieth-century night
Will I see you on The Price Is Right?
Will I cry? Will I smile?
As you run down the aisle?

It's all been done
It's all been done
It's all been done before