Apathetic

Figured I should probably check in. Been feeling tired and generally apathetic the last couple days. i suppose that's better than depressed and angry... But not by much. New meds kicking in? Dunno. But that's why I'm keeping track.

Not much new at home. Aerrik's still gone, the other kids are still there. Even is still wetting the bed and Austin is using his PSP after lights out. Chris hasn't cleaned his room and Brendan is getting mouthy. Trying to work things out with Brian (I guess). I wrote a really nice apology card and left it on top of my socks where'd I'd find it. It was so sweet I almost cried. But now he keeps asking me how I liked it, which kind of demotes the value if he wants a pat on the head for doing it, don't you think?

I'm so ready for a week, but I have school tomorrow. And SO ready to see Aerrik! I'm looking forward to that.

Super quick

Cuz I'm super tired. Mood decent today, nothing spectacular. Didn't get the kids cuz of snow, which made me feel bad for sending them. I knew we'd get snowed out but I was selfish and wanted the weekend. True, I also thought Brian would need more recovery than he actually did. I hope they're home tomorrow.

I got annoyed because Brian is putting off dealing with Melissa sending the kids home late. I think he needs to stand by the agreements we made with her last fall but he can't be bothered. And I stepped out of being involved because no one listened to me anyway. Not sure how to handle that b ut didn't blow my top at least.

Victory!

It was a productive day in some ways, though I didn't do as much as I wanted. I skipped the P90X workout and opted to do 25 minutes of taebo in my own living room. Then I got the place cleaned up (Brian helped a little) to allow for getting the futon out today. The living room looks SO much bigger without Even's trucks in it! Picked up sock making supplies at Lambspun and get grocery shopping done. King Soopers was SO overwhelmingly busy and crowded I really felt like I'd survived some battle when I got out of there! Watched movies all evening (Halloween 3, Milk, and Zombie Diaries) and worked on a sock, and those guys came to get the futon.

How've I been feeling? In a good mood today for the most part, a little introspective. Before I went shopping I really didn't feel like it, and Brian wasn't coming because walking is still uncomfortable. But once I was out I really enjoyed the quiet and had a good time just directing myself through errands. There's something relaxing about knowing you don't need to do much when you get home. I got super tired around 5:00, not sure what that's all about since I slept til 8:30. Still up though and looks like it'll be 11 before my head hits the pillow. Better get to it!

Oh, not enough romance in your story? Write some in. Details forthcoming.

V Day

Brian got neutered today. Don't ask how I feel about that as it doesn't really matter. I made a deal and a deal is a deal. It is what it is and it's done now. The funny part came about trying to get in to have it done. The appointment was for 7:30 this morning and we arrived at 7:15 to find the office locked and the lights out. No big deal. So we'd been sitting there a couple minutes when the nurse comes around the corner wrapped up in a sweater. Turns out she had stepped outside for a minute and as the door closed behind her she realized she'd forgotten her keys inside! So apparently there's a co-worker who lives down the street so she ran down there but didn't remember which house was hers. That's when she saw us. We invited her into the warm car while she waited for someone to come. About 7:35 a receptionist showed up so the nurse hopped out to go inside. We decided after a few minutes to go as well but discovered the doors still locked! Did she really forget about us? As we're standing in the cold laughing incredulously, the doc rolls up about 10 minutes late. We explain the situation and he hops out of his truck carrying a plate with a half-eaten enchilada and lets us in the back door. Apparently the nurse told the receptionist to let us in and she didn't. We were amused ;o) I was there for an appointment later and apparently everyone was giving her a lot of shit for it.

So my appointment was to have my meds changed. I wanted to switch to a generic Lexapro but apparently there isn't one. Instead doc put me on generic Celexa. Years ago the name brand had me all muddle-headed, so we'll see how it does this time. I'm on 20mg to start and I check back in in 4 weeks. I thought I should keep track of my moods to see how it's working. So this is day 1, going from 10mg (20 in the last week) Lexapro to 20mg Celexa generic. Feeling generally annoyed with the world today but trying to be nice cuz I know Brian is in a little of discomfort. Still feeling sad and down.

I've come to the conclusion that I miss romance terribly. The dating scene and all that I guess. Holding hands and stolen kisses and butterflies and all. I spent a good part of last night remembering scenes with Delacroix, probably the most pure relationship I had that never amounted to anything. Wondering about if I had made different choices and all that. Not that I want him now, I don't know who he is now. But I do want him then, if that makes sense. Me then wouldn't be so bad either. But life is where it is right now and I need to figure out how to accept that and be okay with it. I need to decide if I'm going to stay where I am or have a do-over. Again. Really not sure. Things are mostly comfortable here but too comfortable or too annoying or too predictable or whatever. 

Not making much sense, guess I'll go to bed.

Done did it

Skipped my cardio last night but did a two mile WATP tonight so it's alright. Supposed to go to a P90X meet-up on Saturday but not sure if I'll chicken out... I really should go meet some new people and push myself.

Super busy at work today but I still got a math essay done and it's already back graded - pass! I have less to do than I thought, four more essays and two lessons. I thought it was twice as much, so that's nice!


After I wrote last time I went to bed and Brian came in while I was trying to fall asleep. Had a long talk but not sure what good it'll do. Talked about bipolar a little but how do you explain it to someone that doesn't know? He seems to think he can tell a bad day from a good day but it's not as simple as that, it's an inability to control if I'm happy or angry or whatever. I can put on a mask and act a bit, it's hard work but I do it, especially for the kids. But I don't feel like I should have to wear that for my husband. But I also don't think he can handle me without it.

He gets snipped tomorrow. So I guess if we work things out, no more kids for me. Not sure how I feel about that.

Saw pics of my big brother today on his Facebook, taken on deployment and in Singapore. Where'd his hair go?? So nice to see him smiling in a photo, though that doesn't really look like him...

Back to the point though...

Having come back to this blog after so long, I had some free time at work today and decided to read through all of it. I found some memories I'd forgotten, a few very precious which still hold the ability to make me all warm and fuzzy. I found a few not so good ones that are better left buried. I confused myself with code names of long forgotten never happened guys. And I realized that over the course of the last couple years (until I started writing) this became not so much a record of my life and times as of my love life and my over-dramatic heart. Not that that isn't entertainment - it certainly is. But I found that outside of the overwhelming emotions I also enjoyed the play by play of my life. So I'm gonna try to get back into that pointless day to day that I might hold so dear years from now as I stumble back here.

Today was the first day back to school after winter break so I had to figure out when to wake everybody up again. It's off without Aerrik here and I'll need to work on the timing. Regardless, I was very nearly on time for work. My days with filled with editing, filing, and a tiny bit of homework. Almost done with Catcher in the Rye, I should finish it tonight. Not sure why it's such an amazing classic... Maybe because of the narrator's intense emotions and the way he speaks to us like a real person? Holden thinks like I do most of the time.

I called Aerrik after work. He'd called me and I wanted to hear about his day so I called as soon as I started the car. We talked a good 45 minutes. It sounds like he had a good first day, he had algebra, world history, academic intervention, and I can't remember the last class (bad mom!). He got all his homework done, made a friend or two, and got hit on by a junior working at Alco! Russ and he went grocery shopping and only went a little over budget. He sounded like he missed me, but also like he was doing well. He asked what was going on done here, what were the guys doing, showed a lot of interest in us. I tried to tell him as much as I could but we're really just not that interesting...

Rice a roni for dinner and it was Austin's night out. He and Brian went shooting pool leaving me with the other 3. I got Brendan's new mini RC working and played a make believe game with Ev while I made some pigs. Also got the rats cleaned, cats scooped, plants watered, bills paid, and eggs boiled. Not a bad night. I started watching Friday the 13th 6 but turns out I'd already seen it. So I started watching part 7 but it turns out I have kids and couldn't get any peace ;o) Did you know Netflix has a 500 movie limit on your queue? I must get some of these watched so I can add more!

Well Brian is interrupting me as I try to type and I need to get to bed anyway. Signing off, maybe I'll be back soon. I suppose I should have a heart to heart with Bri but frankly my heart's not into it. Always looking for the hero, always wanting someone to fight for me. Trouble is he won't get around to it unless directed, and sometimes not even then.

Ah! Back agin taday are ye?

Feeling down lately, feeling like writing about it. Well, feeling like talking about it but don't feel that there's anyone to talk to really. I don't know how to put my thoughts into words to explain to someone else. At least here I can think it out as I go. Titanc said something to me Saturday that dug deep. I would have slugged him if my kids hadn't been there watching. If it wouldn't have been the wrong thing to do. Instead I clenched my teeth and told him I wouldn't argue in front of my boys, it wasn't appropriate. He said something along the lines of being sick of dealing with this bipolar shit, and which pole was he talking to right now. I'm so sorry my chemical imbalance is an inconvenience to you. I've been living with it for twenty years, so you don't need to explain it to me. After dinner he went upstairs, didn't come back down til 10 the next day, and I slept on the couch that night.

In his defense, I have been a pain lately. Been feeling angry alot, and depressed, and worthless, and underappreciated. Had a lot of down time lately. But in my defense Titanc is the king of not doing what he says he will, of putting things off. And then getting annoyed if I do them myself. And that day, for a few days really, he'd been snapping at my boys alot for stupid little stuff, just really getting on their cases, so my mama bear hackle was up. But some things you don't say, and he found the one.

It's left me wondering for real if I should end things. Haven't worn my ring since then, put it in his tie drawer for safe keeping. It seems to me that is he can't handle the BP, and it's only gonna get worse as I get older it'd be better to cut ties now. Better that he doesn't have the burden. Better that I take care of myself rather than walking on eggshells. I'd rather be me alone than someone else with somebody. 

He tried to talk once, but an apology followed by we should get you help isn't an apology, it's a solution. It just pissed me off more and I told him I wasn't in the frame of mind to discuss it. That was Sunday. He's been not talking to me as much as possible since then. And I'm lonely.

I'm going to switch to my generic RX so I can get on the dose I'm supposed to be, I halved it close to two years ago. Maybe that'll help, or at least numb things up a bit.

Add fuel to the fire, Aerrik moved up with Hooray on Sunday. Been crying every night since. Last night we'd gone out shopping and Chris stayed home. As we drove down Vine I saw the lights on and thought about my two kids waiting for me. But when we pulled up in front of the house I remember Aerrik wasn't there. Instant sad. As we walked up to the house I mentioned to Titanc that I just remember Aerrik wasn't there waiting for me. And he said, well he is waiting for you, it'll just be a couple weeks. Insensitive prick. I would've preferred an arm around my shoulder. So very alone...