Of course it would be incomprehensible to B as to why I'm upset that he's suddenly decided to fix up the house. To a man who has been apathetic to his wife and family for months it must seem overwhelmingly frustrating to be patching dents in the walls and painting fixtures under a glaring scrutiny and blaring silence. However, to me it is completely logical. This is a man who couldn't lift a finger to help out without some kind of threat or promise. Someone who put his hobbies above family more than once, who breaks promises, and ignores his duties as a father and spouse. The $100 he's using to by new pictures and paint came to him because he insisted on having an equal amount of "fun money" out of the tax return. A return largely used to catch up his bills and debts. A return earned 70% by me. My fun money that started the whole thing? I got my hair done. Something I'd put off for 4 months due to lack of funds. Not a cut, not a color, for 4 months. Mind you, his hair has been cut at a cost of $20 each month during that time. So now that I am leaving B has decided to pretty up the house with his portion of my "entertainment" money. Yeah, just a bit pissed.

My God I wish I was out of here so fucking badly!!!

Like big, like little...

Boo just wasn't right tonight and it wasn't until I started thinking about it that I noticed things. Putting the pieces together... He was 15 minutes later than usual getting home from basketball. He didn't want to eat, which is always strange for him. Two hours later he made himself a sandwich, breaking the "eat what we made" rule. He kept stopping in the middle of rooms and just staring, not moving. Took a long time to respond to questions. His eyes were slightly dilated. He was disrespectful all evening, and after being sent to bed early, he sat up watching TV in there instead. Of course, B was out. Texted him and told him all this, asked what he wanted me to do. He told me there was no problem, Boo watches TV late all the time.

My personal pissed offs? Unequal behavior - my kids have to have lights out within 30 minutes of bedtime, Boo doesn't. My kids eat what they're given or they go hungry - Boo doesn't. Austin started drugs at 11. I see strange, out of character behavior from Boo and get very concerned, B doesn't seem to give a shit. I texted and told him since he'd done such a great job with Austin (the smoking, drinking, sexual active, drug addict, truant) that he knew best and I'd stay out of it.

How does one stay out of the welfare of a child?

Dreams of para... para... paradise

Had a strange dream last night (love that by the way). B and I had a baby. It was born really early and I didn't remember it. Like, when I woke up (in the dream) I was out of it and he had to tell me about the baby, because I hadn't even known I was pregnant. I spent the rest of the dream trying to find the hospital where the baby was being cared for to see her. We talked about her name, trying to decide between Victoria Olexa after my great grandmother, and Hope Marie. B hated Victoria and we decided on Hope. And I remember telling him the Marie wasn't after Nickles, but because it sounded pretty. I never did find the baby.

Possible meanings? Too many to consider, though I already have. But surely hope was born weak and premature in this relationship.