Words never said

Last night I laid awake late, even though I'd felt dead tired all day. Bed by 9:30, and it had felt so good to lay down. But it was just one of those nights filled with thinking. Maybe the pressure of the situation is starting to wear on me. Probably. But more likely, last night at least, there are too many open doors on the path behind me, or too many closed too soon. Too many bridges that were never burned down when they'd been crossed. It's left me searching for something, I don't know what, and maybe with closure I would know. But how to get closure when it's needed from someone else?

Delacroix, I never told you I loved you. I wanted to. That last, cool night, I was going to. I had it all planned. But when I learned about your girlfriend, I couldn't bring myself to break your spell. I couldn't complicate things. I don't know if it would have. I didn't mean to fall for you, you were such a good friend. You're so beautiful. I remember three moments so vividly. At the theater, where all your friends had already gathered. You came at me with a purposeful stride, your trench coat billowed out behind you, and took me in your arms and spun me around. Another late night, cold, and I didn't want to say goodnight. That fierce look in your eyes as you put your hands on my face and drew my lips to yours. Sitting in a chair getting a back rub from your friend, and you sitting on the floor in front of me. "Look at when she smiles, her eyes shine." That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I've never wanted anything but your happiness, so when you told me you were moving on, I sent a few final lines and then destroyed all my contact information for you. And now I wonder where you are. BJ might know, and I really should ask if she can find you. I haven't decided.

L, where to start? I'm sorry. You got the short end. You are so charismatic, so sexy, so intelligent. I loved being with you. I loved talking with you, and staring in your eyes. I love your sense of humour, and how good you look when you're all cleaned up. I love that you could smell my hair and tell me what shampoo I'd used. I love that you saved those lilies for so long. You were the best I ever had, and you may well have ruined me. I have many, many regrets about us. And at the end, I felt the spark of a possiblity. Obviopusly that never happened. I hope that someday we can meet again, on decent terms, when you're done cursing my existance. But I suppose that's hoping for too much. I wouldn't mind another chance, if you weren't so far away. The word crotalus will forever be etched in my mind because of you, even though I've forgotten all other latin.

Hooray, you're an abusive bastard. I never knew that until I moved out, and I doubt you know it at all. I doubt you meant it. But you're cruel and indifferent. You cannot see the good in people and I doubt you care to look very deep for it. I sincerely hope your offhand, careless attitude does not follow you through life. I was physically abused as a child and mentally abused as an adult. I am recreating myself. I am learning that I am strong and I am beautiful. You can still make me feel like a child, but that too will pass. You cannot scare me anymore, except where the children are concerned, and soon I hope you won't even hold that power. I pray the best for you because I don't like to be cruel and vindictive, though sometimes it's so hard. But you are cruel, you have been cruel, and I hope someday you'll see it and change for your own good.